What The Heck Am I ???

Recently, i’d been totally running  out of time, rushing to finish off something in order to head properly to another destination. In the middle of this "need for speed" mission, i have a talk with a group of frens in msn. I was in my usual mood until one of them suddenly mentioned about a fren’s mom who suffer from illness and had decided not to let her daughter know. Logically, I think i might understand why she refuse to let her daughter know about her illness and restrict others from doing so, a love? Mom’s love is a deeper love that she dont wan to see her daughter worried about her and it may effected her life.. I can accept the logical between it, but i cant make myslf to think like them.

Talking about my fren’s fren’s mom, i reflashed back about my grandma at the moment. Then trying to apply those logical theory to  my grandma incident, still, i found no peace in me.. tears almost generated in my eyes but i try to control it, im still in office. I was wondering, the act not to tell her daughter about her illness, will it be an act of love? or a destructrous act towards her daughter without her intention? i have no right to judge, but in my head, the whole things goes like this - how if theres something deep in her daughter heart that she always want to tell her mom, but dont have the gut to do so, what will happen if she suddenly lost the chance of doing so? without knowing all the consequenses, without given choices to choose, without given right to make decision what she can take and what she want.. Is it worth??.. if her illness is deadly serious, sooner or later she gonna take tat road, why cant let her know now? is it worth to avoid a short term worryness and give her an deep impact on her life the rest of her life?? my answer is, its not worth at all..

my grandma leaving this world without knowing that she’s going.. I kept on asking my mom and dad to let her know, but all the other relatives doesnt agree with it.. i can totaly do nth except sitting there bearing the pain.. living over 90+  years old on this earth, somehow i believe she must have one or two things that she regreted not done it… now she dont even have chance to spit it out.. but who am i?.. i was and am only a grandson of her… no right of making any decision back there.. she pass away in the middle of my exam season, i didnt make it to her last visitation day.. my mom told me grandma go in peace(being blessed by father su). i only manage to send her empty earth temple to the yard.. nah… i share too much of it.. my point here is, why cant let her know? may be im too young to understand it.. after the incident i always reminding my mom and dad to let me know everything if anything bad happen.. i shared with them how much i feel not worth with my grandma gone.. and they agreed. but humans u know, sometimes because of love, might do anything..

I hate it when others hide something from me and make decision for my sake.. i know somehow its because they care for me and they love me, but deeply in me, i do hope they told me the truth and let me face the consequences myslf.. its my life and i have right on it.. but i cant stop them of doing so.. may be someday , me too will also inherited some kind of illness and someone may just not telling me tat im going to depart soon from earth.. Thats why, i want to be free from regretness, not in this life nor the life after.. frens, tell your love one how much they mean to u, for u nvr know when will the chances being taken away from u.. i love you mom, dad, and my two bros.. thanks for everything.. and one last things is, my frens,  if u r going to die, pls let me know.. or u may make me regret for the rest of my life.. well.. altho theres already a few in me.. Tats all for now.. GOD BLESS ALL..

small,

jing

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 4th, 2006 at 6:46 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.