What The Heck Am I ???

The first year i enter upm.. i still remember i hold a princip in my mind.. " i wan to prove to all the seniors that their concept is totally wrong.. their concept are - those who are originally active in their hometown during their youth time, wont be active anymore when they further their study" .. so the first few weeks come to upm, i tried to join CSSUPM.. being involved and committee together with the sabahan group for the one last time….are indeed a great memories.. after that, i no longer being able to see them in chapel.. then there are some seniors from sibu.. lead me.. advice me.. care for me.. and so i joined tian zhuan as new representative.. and so.. i served GOD tro this chinese speaking society for that whole year..

       first year past, second year is arrived..  i accepted the task to be president for MSGcssupm.. this year was tough.. being a MSGcssupm president.. automatically i will become the CSSUPM exco.. serving two society at one time although we serve the same GOD, make me quite hard to arrange my time… tian zhuan.. still my first priority… the annual camp 2005 pass, i decide to stay another year.. stay another year to serve and to accompany two new representative.. serving in same society, but with totally dif committee members.. i need to start from zero again..

       last friday till sunday.. was annual camp 2006.. the feeling are quite weird for me… wanted to cry.. but part of me refused to cry.. when i given opportunity to share as senior exco.. i only share for about 2 minutes.. then i stop.. the tears reach my eyes.. " why i stayed at tian zhuan even tho i was in the critical condition, its because, …. the feeling…… they gave…. such a family…. and …. love…. blash.~~!! i cant tahan..and so i put the mic down and ended my sharing.. My exco-mate asked me.. does this camp touch my heart?? well.. its not the camp that touched me.. its the ppl inside the society..or shud i say community.. this is my last year.. my journey going to ends here? Lets GOD decide..

      i really wish i can really cried out for at least once.. THANK YOU .. TIAN ZHUAN.. THANKS GOD.. thanks rose and sy zen for ur support ,care and prayer… THANKS ALL THE SENIORS ESPECIALLY XIU SIONG AND JULIUS.. THANKS ALL THE EXCO -MATE( ALL MY BELOVED BRO AND SIS) .. AND THANKS TO LAST BATCH EXCO-MATE.. thanks for keep on supporting and care…THANKS TO CECILIA AND VINCENT.. THANKS TO UPM GREAT GROUP.. JANICE, IRIS, DORA, ANNIE, GREG,ANNA MARIA, AGNES LEE AND CHRISTINE.. THANKS.. THANKS.. THANKS TO ALVIN… EVERYONE.. THANK YOU AGNES.. THANK YOU JACKSON..WE DID IT.. AND NEXT JOURNEY IS WAITING FOR U.THANK YOU PAULINE AND ANASTASIA..U PPL ARE CUTE.. THANK YOU MAGDELINE..IM GLAD U GOING TO STAY.. THANK YOU AH YANG MY BRO.. U ARE THE BEST.. THANK YOU MARY, WE WILL KEEP SEEING EACH OTHER. MUST JOIN US.. THANK YOU CHRIS, COOL BELONGS TO U, NOT ME.. THANK YOU CHARLENE..HEHE..U DANCE WELL.. THANK YOU TO ALL EXCO WHO NOT BEING ABLE TO COME..THANK FOR UR PRAYER.. THANK REBECCA, BETTY, CHRISTOPHER.. THANK YOU CHARLES FOR UR PRAYER.. THANK YOU NELSON AND KATHERINE.. if my journeys really GONNA ended here today, i will keep u all in my heart.. ended one journey, will start another journey.. GOD BLESS.. TO GOD BE ALL GLORY..

jing..

Born in 1984, 29th day after April Fool.. I’m a Prince.. a prince to a successful rich family.. But that status doenst stay long.. Because I’m a prince to not only a rich, but a good and inocent mind DADDY.. When in bussiness, if we dont prepare enuf poison in our pocket, your opposition will eat u.. well.. nvm.. thanks to the snake, i can live a meaningful life.. I cant imagine the situation where my father go chase money ignoring me just like in the "xiao hai bu ben 2" movie.. my family, is a happy family, both dad and mom love me, do their best for me and here i am.. in UPM.. Yeah..Yeah..

         Last week, I saw my fren post about frens complaining that he is changing to a negative person.. well.. ppl do changed rite? UPM terrorist who involved in bullying chinese last last monday, I saw him wearing K12 chinese society T-shirt during lecture.. Malaysia top singer SITI last time says "tak kira dia siapa laki, yang penting dia baik hati" , now being in the hottest issue in malaysia, marrying to datuk K and Destroyed ppl’s family..AND Bush.. err.. never changed.. haha.. still on His throne and warned china not to give negative comment on israel..something might happen to its veto.. another war huh?..
        As for me, i changed.. i never know i had changed..  below are the introduction for my daily…erm..erm.. its my only and one diary.. written for one month during the third sem in UPM..

JIMMY TANG……
STORY…

TODAY IS

8^TH
JAN 2005

……
IM WRITING A DIARY SO THAT I CAN REMEMBER WHAT MY FRESH MIND IS THINKING…

CURRENTLY I GOT
THREE

MISSION

…

FIRST WILL BE
MY LEADERSHIP…

MY TASK IN
MSGUPM AND TIAN JUAN…

MY DAILY
DEVOTION TO GOD

I NEED TO
RECITE MY DAILY ROSARY AND DAILY BIBLE

READING

SECOND WILL BE
MY STUDY…

I NEED TO
IMPROVE MY CALCULUS AND JAPANESE

I NEED TO CATCH
UP PROGRAMMING SUBJECT

I NEED TO
FINISH MY ASSIGNMENT

THIRD WILL BE
MY LOVE LIFE

THIS PART IS
THE MOST IMPORTANT AND INTEREST PART IN MY LIFE

…
haih.. third mission.. love life.. im still single.. lonely…haha..
second mission.. i get D+ in my japanese.. calculus get C+… Mission??? haha.. i wonder why i called it as mission and yet i get so low…
and for the first one.. yeah… this one i shud be proud of.. im still in the service for tian zhuan.. BUT.. one thing changed.. my desire.. am i still eargerly want to help up the junior?? am i still doing camp with purpose to help up new ppl?? I have to admit, i might had lost those desire.. may be what left inside me, is only a responsibility.. i dunno.. any idea to find out?? .. hehe..
ROSARY?? nia… nvr.. how come?? haha..dunno.. coz im heading to hell may be?? .. hehe

so friends.. what do u think?? ppl changes really that important to be a friend? change to negative or positif.. i guess…its all depends on how u think of me..how u look at me.. thats the question.. if my changes is towards negative part.. then may be our relation is having some prob.. coz.. a true friends will accept all ur changes… including negative one..

TRUE?? haha.. I say "wrong".. a true friend will point out ur negative part, and ask for solution..but of coz didnt effect any inch of our relationship closeness..if it does effect, then its not friends… its ppl called "WU JIE SI PENG YOU, MO JIE SI BA YU"…meanings?? direct translation from foo chow, it means "got money is fren, no money is banana… " SO to Nicholas Dong adik Dongkingseng anak Mr Dong.. dont worry too much lar.. u got lots of fren who support u.. u know who.. ask GOD.. haha.. GOD bless you..

All happen in kolej 12 in UPM.. i REPEAT, ITS UNIVERSITY PUTRA
MALAYSIA. Someone happened to catch the video down with his camera the
whole incident.. Although the clip had been edited only to show all the
violence part, but seeing those part of the clip already more than enuf
for me.. what happen next or before already not important.. I DONT
THINK there’s anything worth to cause something happen that way..ONE
AND ONLY REASON.. CIBAI "THOSE" K12 People(reminder..i dont mean all..i
mean those involve in the video..), USE YOUR HEAD MAN… Study so high,
behave like shit… these are few of the screen play in the incident..

Wanna know more?? read here..

God’s plan is always so wonderful to think about.. Yesterday I met some old friends from sibu.. Two studied in UPM but never happen to meet before.. weird huh?? Two years in UPM but never met before.. didnt even saw their face in the campus..no jodoh?? hehe.. another one from Ktar.. a long old fren also.. 

A week ago, it happened to be my practical company dinner and gathering with our company partner. So i met few new faces again.. Sit in the same table, i try to control my words , afraid i may hurt the partner and cause my practical temporary company to its bankruptcy..HEHE… So i choose to use foochow to talk to my bro… To my surprise, one gal confront me.. she asked " oh.. you know foo chow.. are you from sarawak?? " .. yeah… and she is from sibu.. What happen next is not important anymore.. why i share this out.. because before she confront me, she talked about somebody name stephanie, and so to my geniusity, i tot she might be talking about the stephanie i knew long time ago.. and tats lead me to sms with stephanie..a long old fren.. and plan to meet again..

I might have forget about the existen of this few frens.. alho sometimes I flash a bit memories back and saw them in my memories book.. This kind of things always happen to me.. i might be your best fren today, and become a nvr contact-you fren after sometimes.. going for shopping ( actually following them to shop ) gave a lots of times for us to re-claimed back the friendliness in us.. until the end, i felt comfortable talking to them.. i hope i do gave the same feeling also..

So am i a friend? In some situation where someone is having prob, I helped them, OR when im in prob, someone helped me.. IN both situation , during the period of "helping", i can be a real good fren.. but i can see from the past.. everytime when the period is past, the relation will fade also..
may be the closeness of one relationship is not calculated on how frequence we contact each other, but its calculated on the memories we shares.. We may not met nor contacted each other so frequenly but when we met, we took only few hours to become a good fren again.. its because the memories we shared i guess.. but for those whose have black or bad memories with someone.. We may remember them forever..haha… quite weird huh?? We will always remember those we hate and may not always remember those who are once our good fren.. may be its time for me to wake up..

Too long d.. need to stop.. hehe.. so frens.. DONT ALWAYS REMEMBER ME.. HAHA.. and if i dont remember ur face or some experiences, dont blame me.. coz i dont hate u..tats y i dont quite remember about u … HAHAHA… jk jk ..

small,
jing

wheez.. Today is my last day.. lalala… feeling good?.. not really.. This job eventualy teach me a lot of things not by the knowledges it gave but by the self conciousness i gain.. I still got one year to go before i really step into the commercial world.. can i handle it? or rather say, do i have the skills and ability to start my job? everyone knows upm science com is sucks.. at least for my batch.. hhmm.. but i guess everyone will start worrying and struggling a lot in this last year in order to change our futures.. haha… everyone just same … really… same style.. why ar? .. because we are all tikus?? nah.. for my batch, since my secondary school, we always do things last minute.. GOD must b really loved us that we were able to pass tro all those obstacles.. from pmr to spm, then stpm to uni life..

The question is, will we able to really start our resolutions and graduate with different skills level compare to now? As far as i can remember, most of my friends start to have this kind of thought even before our second year began… but end up playing dota all day long.. for me, i continue to keep myslf busy with church acts and music acts.. I think its time for me to let go one of it d.. Which one will i choose to stay? GOD knows.. or may be at least i can finish my task for my batch .. kinda irresponsible if just leave like tat.. … Whats my plan?? GOD knows.. i dunno also.. haha…

jing

Recently, i’d been totally running  out of time, rushing to finish off something in order to head properly to another destination. In the middle of this "need for speed" mission, i have a talk with a group of frens in msn. I was in my usual mood until one of them suddenly mentioned about a fren’s mom who suffer from illness and had decided not to let her daughter know. Logically, I think i might understand why she refuse to let her daughter know about her illness and restrict others from doing so, a love? Mom’s love is a deeper love that she dont wan to see her daughter worried about her and it may effected her life.. I can accept the logical between it, but i cant make myslf to think like them.

Talking about my fren’s fren’s mom, i reflashed back about my grandma at the moment. Then trying to apply those logical theory to  my grandma incident, still, i found no peace in me.. tears almost generated in my eyes but i try to control it, im still in office. I was wondering, the act not to tell her daughter about her illness, will it be an act of love? or a destructrous act towards her daughter without her intention? i have no right to judge, but in my head, the whole things goes like this - how if theres something deep in her daughter heart that she always want to tell her mom, but dont have the gut to do so, what will happen if she suddenly lost the chance of doing so? without knowing all the consequenses, without given choices to choose, without given right to make decision what she can take and what she want.. Is it worth??.. if her illness is deadly serious, sooner or later she gonna take tat road, why cant let her know now? is it worth to avoid a short term worryness and give her an deep impact on her life the rest of her life?? my answer is, its not worth at all..

my grandma leaving this world without knowing that she’s going.. I kept on asking my mom and dad to let her know, but all the other relatives doesnt agree with it.. i can totaly do nth except sitting there bearing the pain.. living over 90+  years old on this earth, somehow i believe she must have one or two things that she regreted not done it… now she dont even have chance to spit it out.. but who am i?.. i was and am only a grandson of her… no right of making any decision back there.. she pass away in the middle of my exam season, i didnt make it to her last visitation day.. my mom told me grandma go in peace(being blessed by father su). i only manage to send her empty earth temple to the yard.. nah… i share too much of it.. my point here is, why cant let her know? may be im too young to understand it.. after the incident i always reminding my mom and dad to let me know everything if anything bad happen.. i shared with them how much i feel not worth with my grandma gone.. and they agreed. but humans u know, sometimes because of love, might do anything..

I hate it when others hide something from me and make decision for my sake.. i know somehow its because they care for me and they love me, but deeply in me, i do hope they told me the truth and let me face the consequences myslf.. its my life and i have right on it.. but i cant stop them of doing so.. may be someday , me too will also inherited some kind of illness and someone may just not telling me tat im going to depart soon from earth.. Thats why, i want to be free from regretness, not in this life nor the life after.. frens, tell your love one how much they mean to u, for u nvr know when will the chances being taken away from u.. i love you mom, dad, and my two bros.. thanks for everything.. and one last things is, my frens,  if u r going to die, pls let me know.. or u may make me regret for the rest of my life.. well.. altho theres already a few in me.. Tats all for now.. GOD BLESS ALL..

small,

jing

Im  listening to A store of memories..a cd i once made for all the youth..canceled in the middle of its progress.. listening to past recording.. how great was tat time.. how happy am i at those histories which i always considered it as black memories.. whatever it is.. i guess everyone is moving on with their life.. keeping those experiences as histories forever.. no one will exactly remember what was happening at those time.. of all the ppl.. i guess im the only one tat treat those memories as black memories.. LORD to You i pray.. forgive me.. free me.. i need Your help.. help me too forget the past and continue my life .. That was wat in my mind now.. Come on Jimmy, cleanse urslf and make urslf available for the use of GOD’s eternal plan..

Writing this out.. not to show off.. but a man cant kept everything in his heart.. it may take times.. its already took 4 and half years for me to struggle, to forgive and forget.. all i can say, give me time.. i will be available again for Your eternal plans, GOD.

i will start reading the purpose driven life.. altho i hate books.. but ill give it a try.. change me Lord.. thank You.. i know You will..

small,
jing.

Well.. todays’ date quite special.. 06/06/06.. throw the "/" and "0" away and it will become 666 which is the Favourite number of Mr. S.A. Tan … oh man.. lucky his surname is Tan..Not Tang.. Damn.. Being different with only one abjab, sometimes i wonder why i cant behave like him.. Ya fren, guess what.. there are bunch of time i wan to sign a contract with him.. Being a bad-ass forever.. Well.. i guess this Mr. TAN are quite a good lawyer.. preparing such a good contract for all to fall on it, or may be he is such a good marketing manager, good in finding his client or partner.. whatever he is, he is a good prey, who always get his victim/food….

Altho often failed in signing contract with this Mr bad-ass lawyer TAN, I start to pissed off of myslf.. What the heck are me?? I guess im just a stupid bad-ass who are even worthless than MR.TAN.. on top of all, i just cannot change myslf.. What do u think huh?? For what reason i need to hurt myslf in order to save others?? For What reason i need to be persecuted after the goods that i offer?? Some ppl may just pass by droping a crap sounded " HAPPY ARE THOSE WHO ARE PERSECUTED " (Mathew 5:10).. well.. you are happy is it when u spit those words out of your mouth??.. by saying those words  you think u can be free from your fault is it? Cant u just say sorry to me?? . Or may be in the first place YOu dont even think thats your fault??  Well, to all my frens back in sarikei, tell ya the truth.. awareness camp means a lot to you guys ya?? BUT It brings nth more than hurts i bear in heart until now.. Everytime i try to reflash back my sweet memories, i will end up on bed without sleeping.. not tat i dont wan to sleep, but i cant sleep.. do you understand that?.. no one understand that?? or you all do understand yet try to behave stupidly and act like there’s nth happened back there.. The only sweet memories i got is a two ppl memories with corinne.. Thats all.. and nothing more than that… How i wish i do leave that place four years ago.. I dont understand why i need to bear all that hurts….worth or not?.. How much longer do i have to behave like this??. behave like there’s nth happen between us?.. oh ..sorry i just cant bear it anymore.. well.. to some frens who knew nth, you will never know and expect how much im being hurted after what i try to do for the sake of other ppl…
To all the friends who knew what is happening.. come comfort me a bit..  settle it here.. dont call me, dont sms me, dont email me..settle it below this post.. there’s nth i afraid to review of…

well.. having difficulties to put more trust on ppl, lead me to lost a lot of frens..  well.. ok..in this matter i wont blame others..its my fault.. i act like shit… feel good???
To Anna and Amy.. really sorry for what i caused… thanks for everything also..
well.. there’s a friend whom i treasure much, im sorry that i do wrong.. ROSE, if u saw this.. i want to say sorry..hope you wont mind much what i said last time..
last of all.. corinne, no matter what i do or what will i do, i cant turn things back.. May be you already walk to the front and continue ur own way of life.. good luck..  as for me… i choose to burst everything out… well..what to hide.. this is me.. so what?.. burst it out in order to continue my life without impact from the past…